The heartbreaking power of walking away
And why a new year hits differently when you have terminal cancer
At the end of 2024, I turned down a really cool work opportunity that I’d been excited about for more than a year. It was a book – a collaboration with someone else that would be published in their name – and I’d put a lot of time and effort into a proposal we’d been working on since mid-2023.
But by the time we got the green light to start writing, I had a tough decision to make. A year and a half had gone by, and I would have to sacrifice other work to take it. I was worried I’d get too stressed and my people-pleasing traits would mean I couldn’t take a break. At the crux of my decision was cancer.
The truth is, if I didn't have cancer, I would have taken that job. That job would have taken a year of my life, and at the end of it, I’d have another string to my bow – another book to add to my portfolio, something to boost my profile as a writer.
But when you have incurable cancer, a year is not just a year. A year is precious. When the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, you don’t take it for granted because you don’t know how many more new years you’ll get. In the last 12 months alone, I’ve known countless people die from secondary breast cancer, and a friend on the same treatment as me found out the drugs have stopped working.
I was worried the job would cause me too much stress and contribute to my cancer progressing. I was worried I would feel stuck and overwhelmed.
So I decided to walk away.
It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was heartbroken that my stupid cancer meant I had to turn down an opportunity that I otherwise would have taken.
But I was happy and relieved to have made a decision entirely for my health.
The universe has a funny way of communicating with us. The very same afternoon that I sent the email walking away from the book, I suddenly felt very ill. I vomited and fainted, then spent the night in hospital with a fever. On certain cancer drugs, it can be life-threatening if your temperature goes above 37.5 degrees so they gave me every test under the sun.
My husband went to get me a cup of tea and came back with something he’d found in the hospital’s entrance: it was Breast Cancer Now’s leaflet on the signs and symptoms of secondary breast cancer, for which I am the cover girl.
‘Your parents must be so proud,’ said the doctor when I pointed out my face.
It was an odd but well-meaning comment. My parents are proud, but not specifically for my geriatric modelling debut. I’m sure they’d much rather I didn’t have cancer and could have said yes to that book deal.
It took me three weeks to recover from the viral infection and for the first week I couldn’t get off the sofa. If I’d taken that job, I’d be stressing about letting others down. I walked out of the hospital doors absolutely knowing I’d made the right decision for me.
I haven’t regretted it for a second.
The crumbs
A rundown of the stuff I’m loving right now…
What I’ve been watching:
— We Live in Time. In case I was in any doubt about the preciousness of time, watching this film on New Year’s Day really hammered it home. Florence Pugh pays a chef with ovarian cancer and we watch her love story with Andrew Garfield on shuffle. I felt every moment of this beautiful film and was in floods at the end.
— The Devil Wears Prada. I’m not a musical fan, but I loved this adaptation of the classic film, featuring songs by Elton John. It was made even better by the starring role from Vanessa Williams, who played Wilhelmina from Ugly Betty.
— Joy – The Birth of IVF on Netflix. Exactly as it says on the tin, this is a joyful telling of the invention of IVF and the beautiful intentions behind its creators. It could be really heartbreaking but I found it uplifting and happy-making.
What I’ve been eating:
— The bacon and egg naan at Dishoom Battersea, and the black daal at Carnaby, my favourite of the Dishooms. My husband Mark and I started the tradition of new year’s Dishoom trips a couple of years ago and I can confirm it’s the best way to start and end a chapter.
— The pici cacio e pepe and the beef shin ragu pappardelle at Padella, probably my favourite restaurant ever, and the one that delivers every single time.
— Aubergine with soy-cured egg yolk and sweet basil, and grilled flatbread with shrimp butter at AngloThai, the long-awaited Thai restaurant from John and Desiree Chantarasak. I loved it.
On food, fame and failure
For my latest Life in Food podcast episode, I interviewed the charismatic and outspoken chef Gaggan Anand. We talked about food, failure and the impact of fame after winning a prestigious culinary award and appearing on the hit Netflix show Chef’s Table.
Do listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts!
On creativity
Finally, I was interviewed by the lovely Alice May-Purkiss for her Substack For the Curious. Answering questions about creativity really sparked my creative juices and made me want to write. You can read the full interview on Alice’s Substack, but in the meantime here’s an excerpt:
It’s important to remind yourself why you do what you do in the first place – I create primarily for me and secondly for my audience. You can absolutely feel the passion when I’ve put my whole heart and soul into something: my podcasts, my novel and my newsletter, Doughnuts for Breakfast. Remember that if you do a piece of work that you really feel strongly about, it will probably do well as a result – and if it doesn’t, at least it made you feel good. (And if it doesn’t do that, do something else instead!)
Right, I’m off to take my own advice…
Happy new year!
Here’s to good health, good times and good food, and grabbing onto the precious moments of this short little life.
You continue to inspire with your grace and perspective on the challenges of this terrible disease.
You continue to inspire with your grace and perspective on the challenges of this terrible disease.